


Grief

by Alyssa_85



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Miscarriage, Multi, Recovery, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-03
Updated: 2017-04-03
Packaged: 2018-10-14 13:55:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10537875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alyssa_85/pseuds/Alyssa_85
Summary: After 20 weeks of pregnancy, Chiara loses the baby, and she's certainly not okay with it. (Fem!Romano/Fem!Spain)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Normal writing is present time, and in chronological order, while the italics are flashbacks that in some way relate to the present time, and aren't in chronological order.

Chiara woke to a pain in her back, and blood in her underwear. She quickly poked Carmen awake, panic spreading through her like wildfire.

"Carms, please, wake up," she hissed, shifting uncomfortably.

"What's wrong, Chi?"

"I'm bleeding."

"It's just spotting, darling, the doctor said it was fine, go back to sleep."

"I feel something is really off, Carmen."

"Are you in any pain?"

"Just the pain in my back."

"Is it bad?"

"Not particularly, it just feels… like something is off."

"Lay back down, baby, see if it feels better in a few minutes."

Chiara settled back down on her back, and with the feeling of Carmen stroking her hair, she fell back into a restless sleep.

"Good night, Chi," Carmen mumbled, rolling over and falling back asleep.

The next time Carmen was awoken that night was just half an hour later to screaming, and crying beside her. She wasn't even groggy as she sat up, eyes wide. "Chi, Chi, what's wrong?!"

"S-Something's wrong," she panted, bending over, and clutching at her stomach. It only took a few seconds for Carmen to realise her leg was wet, she pulled back the covers, holding back her own scream.

"Okay, Chi, I think… I think we need to get you to a hospital."

"What's wrong with me?"

Carmen hesitated, knowing, but hoping she was wrong, exactly what was going on. "I don't know, we should just go."

The ride to the hospital was quiet, save for Chiara's crying, and whimpering from beside Carmen. Carmen's fingers tapped at the steering wheel as they waited at red lights, and she tried not to let her foot bounce too much as she pulled into the carpark. Her heart raced as she stood beside the bed, holding Chiara's hand tightly as she was forced to give birth to their child. And her tears fell silent as Chiara slept, and their baby was taken away.

* * *

_Carmen ran through the house, test in hand. She was calling Chiara's name, not even listening for a reply as she flicked her shoes off, and shed her small jumper. Chiara was sitting in the living room, a bowl of pasta in her lap._

" _You're back," Chiara dead-panned, eyes on the TV._

" _I'm back. Take the test, Chi!"_

" _Can it wait?"_

" _No! We need to know!"_

" _Well, we don't need to know. It can wait, surely?"_

" _Why would you want to wait?" Carmen asked, sitting down beside her. "Don't you want to know?"_

" _Of course, it's just…" Chiara trailed off, refusing to meet Carmen's eye._

" _It's just what?"_

" _What if it's negative? Can't we just wait another day?"_

" _If it's going to be negative today, it's still going to be negative tomorrow, Chi."_

" _I know, but at least waiting another day will help me be ready for the disappointment."_

" _And what if it's positive?"_

" _Then I'll be over the moon, you know that, but what if it's not?"_

" _But what if it is? You could have our baby inside of you, Chi." Carmen placed her hand on Chiara's stomach. "A little he or she could be growing inside of you. A little you and me."_

_Chiara giggled, putting her bowl on the ground. "Give me that test."_

_Carmen grinned widely, handing the test to Chiara. "Don't look without me."_

" _I won't, I'll bring it straight to you."_

" _I'll be in the kitchen, okay?"_

" _Yeah, yeah." Chiara kissed her wife softly, before leaving the room._

_Carmen collected the bowl, and headed towards the kitchen, where she placed the bowl in the sink. She was going to wash up, but she couldn't focus, her hands fidgety as she waiting for Chiara to emerge from the bathroom._

_She was about to go to her when Chi walked into the room, test held in her hand._

" _You haven't looked, have you?"_

" _No, I haven't. Just a couple of minutes left to wait." Chiara placed the test on a piece of kitchen towel, and turned away from it. "What do you want?"_

" _Huh?"_

" _Boy or girl?"_

" _I don't care. Either would be all I could have dreamed of. What about you?"_

" _Same."_

_A minute passed, then two, then finally it was time. The test would be ready, and they'd know if they were going to have a child._

" _Before we look, Carms, I have something to say."_

" _What's that?"_

" _If it didn't work, I want you to try."_

" _Huh?"_

" _If I'm not pregnant," she paused, setting her hand on Carmen's stomach. "I want you to try."_

" _But you really wanted this."_

" _I know, but we've already tried so many times, and it's never worked, so if it doesn't work, it's your turn to try."_

" _Are you sure?"_

" _I'm positive. I want a baby, Carmen, and truly, I don't care who it comes out of. I just want a child, with you. A family."_

_Carmen wrapped her arms around Chiara's shoulders, pulling her close. "Okay, if that's what you want."_

" _It is."_

" _Should we have a look."_

_Chiara nodded, turning back to the place she'd set the test. With shaky hands, she picked it up, refusing to look at the screen. "Close your eyes, open them on the count of three."_

" _Okay."_

" _One. Two."_

" _Three." They both opened their eyes, and with a loud gasp, the test clattered to the floor._

" _You're pregnant, Chi," Carmen cried, once again pulling the younger woman against her. "You're pregnant!"_

" _We're pregnant," she mumbled, fingers gripping the back of Carmen's shirt. "It worked." She couldn't stop the happy tears falling down her cheeks, or the way her stomach fluttered at the thought of their child growing inside of her._

" _Te amo, Chi."_

" _Ti amo anch'io, Carmen."_

* * *

Chiara curled around herself, tears wetting the pillow pressed up to her face, sobs wracking her entire body. Never had she felt so empty, so at a loss. Carmen stroked her hair, her own tears rolling down her cheeks, mascara spread across her face from wiping her eyes.

The elder didn't know what to say, how to make any of it better. She, just like Chiara, had never been through something so terrible, so heart-breaking.

Chiara shifted slightly, hiccupping as he pulled the pillow away from her face. Her usually done-up, flawless face was almost grey, tear stains over her rosy cheeks, in total contrast to everything else. Carmen removed her hand, crossing her arms over her chest as Chiara sat up, her sobs coming to low noises through her raw throat.

"Chi?"

She didn't reply, instead slipping off the bed to stand in front of the mirror, lifting her wrinkled shit up slightly to look at the bump. The bump that came to nothing, and had only left Chiara feeling empty.

* * *

_Chiara admired her stomach, the slight swell of their healthy baby. It was almost time they'd be telling people, and Chiara couldn't wait._

" _Stop staring at that cute bump and come help me in the kitchen," Carmen joked, walking into the room._

" _I can't help it, it's fascinating, isn't it?"_

" _What is?"_

" _I have a tiny human growing inside of me, our child."_

_Carmen smiled, so happy to see her wife genuinely happy. "Yeah, it's pretty fascinating. How does it feel?"_

_Chiara ran her hands over her stomach. "Amazing. So, so amazing."_

" _Are you ready to tell your parents?"_

_She nodded, pulling her shirt down and stepping across the room to her wife. "As ready as I'll ever be, you know how disapproving of the insemination they were."_

" _They'll be happy for us, Chi. Imagine how happy Felicia will be with a little niece or nephew to look after, and Romeo's always wanted to be an uncle."_

" _Felicia has enough on her plate with her own pregnancy, that damn German."_

" _Oh, Chiara, Ludwig loves your sister very much."_

" _You think I don't know that." Chiara flicked her nose lightly. "What did you want help with?"_

* * *

Chiara hunched over the toilet bowl, heaving harshly as sobs ripped through her. Her knuckles were turning white with the force she held on with. Carmen stood in the doorway, lost between wanting to move forward and comfort her wife, and just walking away. She did neither, she just stayed in the doorway as Chiara emptied her stomach into the water.

Carmen had never actually witnessed someone crying so much that they've been sick, but it was becoming a reoccurring thing with Chiara, every day for the past week, Chiara would cry over the toilet bowl, vomiting stomach juices, and not much else. She didn't really know how Chiara could even still be vomiting, she hadn't eaten in days, always refusing the food Carmen slipped in front of her.

A final heave, and Chiara collapsed, her body falling limply to the cold floor, a mixture of saliva and sick on her chin, in her hair, down her clothes, but Chiara didn't care. She never did. She just lay there, curling in on herself, tears stopped purely because she couldn't cry anymore. She wanted to. She wanted to cry until it all felt okay again, till it didn't hurt anymore, but no tears left her eyes as she squeezed them tightly.

With a sigh, Carmen collected her wife, putting the toilet seat down and setting her atop it. "Chi, I'm going to run you a bath, okay?"

Chiara didn't say anything, she just let her head lol back against the tank, ignoring the sharp pain. It was nothing to everything else she was feeling.

Carmen turned the taps on, letting the water fill the bath, making sure to add some of the bubbles Chiara liked, she then moved in front of her, a glass of water in hand. "I need you to rinse your mouth out, Chi." Chiara took the glass, filling her mouth before spitting it back out and silently handing the glass back.

"I'm going to bed."

"Chi, at least take a bath, it might make you feel better."

Chiara just glared. "I'm going to bed," she repeated, leaving the bathroom.

Carmen sighed, stripping from her clothes, and settling back into the bath. As soon as he back hit the tub wall, the tears started. Silent. The way they always were, just silent drops running down her cheeks. That was Carmen, calm and composed. A silent mourner.

* * *

_Chiara groaned as her stomach twisted. "Ah, fuck," she whined, pulling her knees to her chest._

" _What's wrong, Chi?" Carmen asked, poking her head around the door._

" _Stomach ache."_

" _Would you like me to get you a hot water-" Carmen was cut off by Chiara sprinting out of the room. Carmen followed in time to catch Chiara lent over the toilet bowl, heaving. "Chi? Do you think…"_

_Chiara wiped her mouth on some tissue, getting back to her feet. "Possibly? I don't know! It might just be a stomach bug, we got our hopes up last time but nothing came of it, let's just wait, see what happens, okay?"_

_Carmen moved closer, embracing the younger woman. "I hope it worked this time."_

" _Me too, Carms, me too."_

" _Fucking damnit," Chiara growled, twisting out of Carmen's arms and falling back to her knees, head over the toilet. She emptied her stomach as Carmen rubbed her back, and held her hair up. "If this is the damn pregnancy, and I'm going to have to put up with this bullshit for the next few months I'm going to have to kill you, Carmen."_

_Carmen giggled, sitting down on the floor behind her wife. "I hear ya, baby. I'll bare that in mind." She wrapped her arms around Chiara's waist, loose enough that the younger woman could pull away if she needed to throw up again._

" _I'm going to get you a test, wait here, okay?"_

" _Right here? On the floor?"_

" _No, silly, you can go wherever in the house, but make sure you're here when I get back!" Carmen kissed the back of her head before getting to her feet. "It might have finally worked, Chi."_

" _I know."_

* * *

Carmen knew she should stop her, knew she should come in-between Chiara and her mirror breaking rampage, but she couldn't bring herself to. She knew with every new mirror Chiara broke, a little piece of her own fragility was put back together.

Chiara stared long and hard into their bedroom mirror, from the reflection she could see herself, ragged, tired, and Carmen, put together, with sad eyes, and a sadder smile. She glared at the elder woman, though, she was sure Carmen didn't take any notice.

"Why me?" Chiara growled, meeting Carmen's eyes in the dirty glass. "Why did this horrible fucking thing happen to me?"

"I don't know, Chiara." She watched as Carmen rolled onto her back, staring at the ceiling above. "I wish I could give you the answers you want. The answers you need, but I can't."

Chiara balled her fist up, before smashing it into the mirror, the view of her wife distorting, and the shards matching her inside. It felt good, the blood dripping down her knuckles, the fact she could no longer see her tired eyes, or her sad wife.

"Is it my fault?" She asked, keeping her back to Carmen. "Did I do something wrong?"

Carmen wanted to tell her the truth, that, no, it wasn't her fault. That she'd done everything right, but she knew it wouldn't sooth Chiara. That wasn't the answer she craved. She wanted, no, needed, to be lied to. The truth wouldn't suffice, it would only tear away at her, make everything worse. So Carmen lied. She told her, yes, she could have tried harder to look after herself. It didn't exactly do as Carmen hoped, Chiara just sighed, and sat down on the floor among the shard of mirror.

"How many is that?"

"All of them."

"All of them?"

"Sì. Every single one."

"Do you feel better?"

"No."

Carmen also sighed, now rolling onto her side, almost back-to-back with her wife. "I think we should see someone, Chi."

"What?"

"A professional, talk to someone."

Chiara didn't reply, her fingers tracing broken shards of glass.

"Even just talking to your sister, or your brother, might help."

"Nothing will help. I'm fine."

"Don't lie to me, Chiara. I'm not stupid. This is killing you, hell, it's killing me, and the baby wasn't even inside of me."

"The baby was still yours, inside of you or not."

"I'm going out," Carmen said, after a few minutes of uncomfortable silence. "I'll be back later, I'll bring dinner."

"Don't. I won't be hungry anyway."

"You need to eat, Chiara."

"I'll make myself something, okay?"

"No, because I know you won't."

"I will. I promise, Carmen."

Carmen sighed, getting off the bed. "I can't help if you won't let me in. Please, Chi, let me in." Without another word from either of them, Carmen left.

As soon as she heard the door close behind her wife, Chiara stood up, a larger piece of mirror in hand. She stared at herself, taking in her sunken eyes, the dullness of her skin. She growled, face contorting into a mixture of anger and sadness, before bringing the mirror shard down on their dresser, small shards of glass showering to the ground.

* * *

" _Looking at your reflection again?" Carmen asked, walking into their bedroom._

" _I can't help it, Carms, look at this bump. It's so precious."_

" _Yes, precious." Carmen walked up behind her, wrapped her arms around Chiara's waist, and put her hands on her bump._

" _You think our baby will be cute?"_

" _If it has your genes, definitely."_

_Chiara blushed, leaning back against her wife. "I wish it could have both of our genes. Our baby would be absolutely breath-taking."_

" _Unfortunately, nature has yet to allow that."_

" _If only you were a boy, eh, Carmen?"_

" _You wouldn't be with me if I was a boy."_

" _That's true." Chiara turned around in Carmen's arms. "You wouldn't have these babies if you were a boy," she joked, squeezing Carmen's breasts lightly._

" _No, I wouldn't." Carmen hugged Chiara as tight as she could. "I didn't know you liked them that much though."_

_Chiara pulled away from her grip, and turned back to the mirror, a light blush on her cheeks. "They're alright."_

" _Now they're only alright?" Carmen feigned hurt, her hand pressed over her heart. "I'm offended!"_

" _You're so lame."_

" _You're so cute," Carmen replied, wrapping her arms around Chiara from behind. "We're going to have such a beautiful family, you know that, right?"_

" _Yeah, I'm aware."_

" _Good."_

" _Hey, how long will we wait?"_

" _Till what?"_

" _Till we try with you?"_

" _Try what with me?"_

" _For you to get pregnant, how long after this one is born?"_

" _A few years. I think two is a nice age to try again."_

" _Two?"_

" _Or three. We don't want to wait too long, or our first baby might think we're forgetting it in favour of somebody else."_

" _We can't have that."_

" _Nope." Carmen rested her chin on Chiara's shoulder, staring at them both in the mirror. "This is really happening, isn't it?"_

" _Well, judging by this beautiful bump, yes, it's really happening."_

" _I'm not going to wake up and find this is a dream?"_

_Chiara pinched Carmen's arm, grinning at the small shriek she let out. "No, you're awake."_

" _You're mean."_

" _You love me."_

" _More than anything."_

" _Ti amo, Carmen."_

" _I like what pregnancy has done to you."_

" _Why?"_

" _You're more honest." Carmen pressed a light kiss to Chiara's exposed shoulder. "And you smile a lot."_

" _Bastard, I smile a lot when I'm with you anyway, you just don't see them most of the time."_

" _And why's that?"_

" _I don't let you, duh."_

" _Mean." Carmen pouted, her fingers trailing over the bump. "This one's going to be big."_

" _You think I haven't noticed? It's going to be a pain to push out."_

" _I'll be with you every step of the way."_

" _I know, Carms, I know."_

* * *

Carmen tips back the rest of her drink, ignoring the burn that makes its way down her through, and towards her stomach. She could already feel the tell-tale signs of her drunken-self coming out, the rage flitting through her veins with every new glass of alcohol she chucks back.

Chiara was gone. Carmen had no idea where, she'd just come home to a crappy note scribbled out and left on the table, the same table that now had spilt alcohol covering the surface, note sticky and unintelligible.

Her glass slammed against the table, neat alcohol making its way down her oesophagus. If she's lucky, Carmen thinks, she won't make it to morning. She laughs, not her usual happy, carefree laugh, but an angry, empty laugh.

Another glass, and more anger fills Carmen, her blood boiling, as her stomach turns the liquids she'd forced down her throat. She didn't quite know what do to when she found herself standing, table tipped over and glass smashed across the floor. Bottle after bottle, glass shards covering the once clean floor. She couldn't stop herself as she picked plates from the washing up, their shards joining the broken glass.

Carmen cursed Chiara. Cursed the day she ever met that feisty Italian. She knew her life would be better had Chiara never walked into it. She continued to smash everything in her path, until nothing was left, no glasses, plates, or anything fragile remained in their kitchen. The once happy place. Wedding china they'd gotten from family, friends, smashed to pieces. A perfect representation of her marriage. Broken. Unrepairable.

She slid down the side, not caring about the glass and china shards bedding into her skin as she screamed, bloody hands tugging at her hair, pulling strands loose from the straggly ponytail she'd put it into that morning. She fell asleep like that, hands in her hair, glass in her skin.

* * *

" _Don't drink too much," Chiara warned, kissing her wife's cheek. "No one likes you when you've been drinking."_

" _I won't drink a drop, mi amor."_

_Carmen pressed a quick kiss to Chiara's lips, before heading out. Francis and Julchen were already in the car, waiting for her. She took her place behind the steering wheel._

" _Bonjour, Carmen," Francis greeted, patting her knee. "Ready to celebrate the fantastic news?"_

" _Absolutely! Where first, mis amigos?"_

" _That nice bar near the park, you know, the little, cosy one."_

" _Oh, you mean the one Arthur works at? How predictable," Julchen teased._

" _On the contrary, my dear, Kirkland is off tonight."_

" _Right, right."_

_Carmen parked the car just outside the small bar. "Please, don't get too drunk tonight, you know I hate hauling your drunk asses home."_

" _You love us, Carmy."_

" _Jules, don't tease the mother-to-be, this may just be the last time we see her."_

_Carmen rolled her eyes, laughing softly. "I'm not dying, guys. You have to come and see our child, you are going to be its godparents."_

" _Ah, so you've confirmed that it's okay with the wife?" Francis asked as they made their way into the bar. It was dead inside, only a few people, some playing pool others drinking at the bar._

" _Yes. Chi is okay with it, if she can choose the godparents of our next child."_

" _You're already planning another? You don't mess around do you?"_

" _Oui, Carms, perhaps you should focus on this child before planning a second." Francis slung his arm around her shoulder. "Besides, you know Chiara wouldn't have anyone but Jules and I as the godparents."_

" _I think you're wrong there, Fran, Chiara would honestly prefer her brother-in-law's dogs to be our child's godparents."_

" _Which one? Aster? Blackie? Berlitz?"_

" _I think she'd take all of them over you two," Carmen joked, sliding into a seat at the bar. "Hey, Franny, I thought you said your boyfriend wasn't working tonight?"_

" _I may have lied."_

" _There's no may about it. Yo, Artie!" Julchen called, slapping her hand against the bar. "Some service over here!"_

" _My name is Arthur, and that's no way to get someone's attention, wait your turn."_

" _Now, now, Arthur, don't be rude. We're celebrating tonight."_

" _Shut up, Frog. What do you want?"_

" _A red wine, a beer, and a coke with ice, please, mon cher."_

" _No flirting on the job, Mr. Kirkland."_

" _I wasn't flirting with anyone, Ivan. Frogface here was just being frogface."_

" _You wound me, Artie."_

" _Cry me a river."_

_Arthur poured the drinks without another word, before sliding them across the bar. "Carmen's is on the house," he stated, smiling softly at the Spanish woman. "Congratulations, Carmen."_

_Carmen grinned. "Thank you, Arthur. You are coming to the baby shower, right?"_

" _I'm invited?"_

" _I told Francis to give you an invite," she replied, glaring at her friend._

" _He didn't."_

" _Obviously. You're invited, Arthur."_

" _Oh, well then I'll be there. You know the sex, correct?"_

" _Chi does, I don't. If you want to get a present for the child, make it neutral."_

" _Got it."_

" _Arthur, mon cher, get back to work."_

" _Shut up, frogface, you can't tell me to get back to work."_

" _Non, but your angry, scary boss can." Francis grinned. "I'll see you at home."_

" _Leaving already?"_

" _Non, but you do need to work. I know we're a beautiful trio, but you can't keep getting distracted by us."_

" _You wish."_

" _Carmen, your drinks can go on my tab for tonight."_

" _Gracias, Arthur."_

" _Sure thing."_

_Carmen took a sip of her drink as Arthur walked away to serve the other waiting customers. She turned to her two friends. "Hey, Franny, have you decided how you're going to do it?"_

" _Do what?"_

" _Ask him to marry you?"_

" _No talking about that! Tonight we're celebrating you, and your offspring."_

" _To Carmen, and her offspring!" Julchen shouted, raising her beer to the sky, both Francis and Carmen clinked their glasses to hers, laughing happily among them._

_After a few glasses, Julchen sighed, setting her beer mug down. "I'm jealous, Roddy doesn't want children yet." She pouted. "Seeing both Chiara and Felicia preggers makes me want my own bun in the oven."_

" _Chi and I planned this for months," Carmen said, dreamily running her fingers through her hair. "I originally wanted to be the one that got pregnant, but Chi insisted. I'd never seen her so desperate for something."_

" _Chiara wanted to be the one pregnant?"_

" _Yeah, she was adamant it was going to be her, and after many talks I decided I wanted nothing more than for her to be pregnant."_

" _Why? Didn't you want it?"_

" _Sí_ _, but the way she looked at me, all fiery eyes and desperate need, I knew she'd be happy if I let her, and I wasn't wrong, she's so happy. I don't think I've ever seen her smile so much." Carmen giggled. "She's so happy, and I'm glad I didn't take that away from her. There's always next time."_

" _Ugh! You two are so fucking adorable, it makes me mad."_

" _Hey, Julchy, you and Roderich are cute too."_

" _Nothing on you and that damn Italian! You're totally whipped where she's concerned!"_

" _She loves her, Jules."_

" _Disgustingly so."_

_Carmen laughed, punching her friend softly. "If I'm whipped, I couldn't be happier about it. Chiara is my everything."_

" _Don't make me vomit, Carmy."_

" _You're just jealous, Jules."_

_Julchen scoffed, downing the last of her drink. "Of what?"_

" _The absolute love Chiara and your best friend hold for one another." He leaned close to her ear. "If only Roderich would shower you with affection, perhaps you'd be less grouchy."_

" _I'm not grouchy."_

" _Uh huh. Amour is a beautiful thing."_

" _Yes, I suppose it is." Julchen wrapped an arm around Carmen's shoulder. "You're very lucky, Carmy."_

" _Thank you, Julchy."_

* * *

It had only been a few hours since Chiara had left the note telling Carmen she needed to get away, she'd packed a bag and planned to stay in a hotel for a while, but the longer she sat in her hotel room, alone with her thoughts, she couldn't help but feel something wasn't right.

She wasn't far off, she decided, as she walked into their house, instantly worried at the silence. She dropped her bag, and made her way through the house. "Carmen?" She called out tentatively. She grew increasingly concerned when she received no answer, Carmen was always usually up by this time. Usually bustling around after her, Chiara thought grimly.

Chiara made her way towards the kitchen, but the second she got there, she regretted it. She wanted to cry all over again as she caught sight of smashed wedding china, glasses, plates she'd had since her university days, all in pieces. Though, she can't say that's why she wanted to cry, she wanted to cry at her torn up wife, skin bleeding, hair a total mess.

"Carmen!" Chiara screeched, slamming her fist against the door.

Carmen groaned, head cradled in her hands, face pressed into her knees. "Sofia?"

"No, it's not your damn sister, wake the fuck up."

"Chi?" Carmen opened her eyes slowly, the artificial lighting stinging.

"What the fuck happened here?"

"I… I got drunk… I think…"

"You think? You fucking think?"

"Chi, please stop yelling, my head in pounding."

"I don't give a fuck! You think I don't have enough on my plate right now, Carmen?! You think I need to be babysitting you after I lose my fucking baby? Grow up!"

Carmen finally looked up, ignoring the stabbing in her eyes, and the throb in her head. "Your baby?"

"Yes! My fucking baby! It wasn't growing in you! It wasn't even biologically related to you!"

"How dare you. How dare you!" She screamed, getting to her feet, completely ignoring the glass embedded in his skin. "Our baby! It was our baby, Chiara!"

"No! Mine! It was in my body, part of me!"

Carmen clenched her fists, fighting the urge to slap the woman in front of her. "You're always so selfish, Chiara. You think you're the only one who lost this baby, like you're the only one grieving, but damnit, Chi, I did too! I wanted this just as badly!" Carmen slammed her fist against the kitchen counter, crying out as glass in her hand wedged further into her skin. Chiara rushed forwards, ready to help, but Carmen pushed her away. "Go. I… I don't want to see you, Chiara. I need some space."

"Carmen…"

"No. You've said enough. Let me grieve too, Chiara. I need it. I'm hurting too."

Chiara sighed, stepping back. "I'm going to stay with my sister for a while, I'll come back to make sure you're okay in a few days."

This time it was Carmen who stayed silent, fingers pulling at the glass in her hand. She knew she needed to go to a hospital, but she couldn't bring herself to go to one. Not after the last time she'd been in one.

* * *

_Carmen squeezed Chiara's hand, a wide smile on her face. Chiara was laying down on the bed, shirt around her breasts, the cold liquid being spread across her swelled belly. She was excited. More excited than she'd been for anything in her entire life._

" _Are you ready to see your baby?" The nurse asked, smiling at the expecting couple._

" _More than anything," Chiara replied, grinning widely._

_The nurse turned the monitor, and the second they saw their baby on the screen, both women teared up._

" _That's our baby, Carms."_

" _I know, Chi. It's… beautiful." Carmen wiped at her eyes, not caring about the mascara she smudged across her skin._

" _Would you like to know the sex?"_

" _No," Carmen answered at the same time as Chiara said, "Yes."_

_The nursed looked between them. "Would you like a moment to discuss this?"_

" _No, we don't want to know the sex."_

" _I do, Carmen."_

" _Okay, how about, I step out of the room, then you can know. I'll wait until the birth to find out, how about that?"_

" _Are you sure?"_

_Carmen kissed her forehead, pushing hair out of her face. "I'm sure."_

" _Thank you."_

" _Then, it'll just take a moment."_

_Carmen nodded, before stepping out. She bounced on her feet until she was called back in. When she caught sight of Chiara, she had the biggest smile on her face._

" _Good news?"_

" _Good news."_

" _Would you like a photo of this scan?"_

" _Yes, please," they replied, hands squeezing tightly in each other's grasp._

" _Okay, I'll just get that done for you."_

_While the nurse sorted the picture out, Carmen once again brushed hair out of Chiara's face. "You're so beautiful, Chi."_

" _Seriously? You're saying that now? Here?"_

" _I'm saying it now, here."_

" _You're so sappy it hurts."_

" _You wouldn't have me any other way though."_

" _No, I suppose I wouldn't."_

" _Okay, we're all done here." The nurse smiled, handing Carmen the picture, then cleaned off Chiara's stomach. "I'll see you both in a month or so."_

_With the picture in hand, the two women left the room, happy smiles, and their hands interlocked tightly._

* * *

Chiara stood in the doorway. It was the first time she'd opened the door since losing the baby. Carmen had closed the door the day they got home, and never looked inside again. It had been a year though, and Chiara was ready. Or at least she thought she was. As soon as she caught side of the toys, and the cot they'd spent hours putting together, she snapped.

She grabbed teddies, tearing them apart with her own hands. Kicked at the toys on the floor, sending them into the wall, and shattering. She scratched at the walls, shredding the wallpaper with her bare hands.

Every ounce of anger, and heartbreak went into destroying that room. The cot was smashed to pieces, Chiara kicking it hard for what seemed like hours, ignoring the sharp pain in her foot that it caused.

Chiara wasn't satisfied until it was all gone. The hard work they'd put into the nursey, destroyed by just a few minutes of rage. She didn't care though, as she looked around the torn-up room, she was almost satisfied. Her rage shifted back to sadness, then into something else. Acceptance. She was ready to move on, she was ready to be okay again.

"Chiara? What have you done?"

She turned her head quickly at the sound of her wife. "I'm sorry," she said, sliding down the wall. "I'm so sorry!" Her tears were thick and cold on her flushed cheeks, and that was all Carmen needed. She crossed the room, ignoring the broken toys, and scooped her wife into her arms.

"It's okay, Chiara, it's all okay."

* * *

_Carmen lined the paint tins along the wall, while Chiara propped the wallpaper against the pasting board._

" _What colour are we going to paint the walls?"_

" _Multi-coloured!" Carmen exclaimed, grinning. "Rainbows all over!"_

" _Isn't that going to be a bit in your face?"_

" _So? It needs to be bright!"_

" _Okay, what colours did you buy, because that's a damn lot of paint."_

" _I got baby blue, baby pink, yellow, mint green, light red, brown, black, white-"_

" _Stop, stop. I get it, you got a lot of paint, but why brown, and black? I thought you wanted bright."_

" _I may have gone a little overboard."_

_Chiara giggled. "A little? We're going to have so much paint left over."_

" _We can redecorate other rooms in the house!"_

" _Yeah, yeah, let's just focus on our baby's room first. Where should we start?"_

" _We should put the wallpaper up first, then paint it, then lay the carpet and make the cot. From there we can put the toys around the room, and fill the cot with soft toys and blankets."_

" _You have this all figured out, don't ya, Carms?"_

" _I do! I was really looking forward to this part of the pregnancy."_

" _Confession," Chiara said, opening the first roll of wallpaper. "I've never done this before."_

" _Don't worry, I've done it! How about I do the papering, and you sit and watch?"_

" _You just don't want me working because of the baby, eh?"_

_Carmen chuckled, rubbing the back of her head. "It's that obvious?"_

" _I'll sit back and watch you do all the hard work then," Chiara decided, sitting back in the rocking chair they'd been given by Chiara's sister and husband._

_So, it went like that, Chiara sat back, rocking slightly in the chair as she watched her wife paper all the walls, occasionally wiping her forehead with the back of her arm. It took a few hours, but eventually the room was wallpapered, and Carmen was exhausted._

" _We should get some dinner, and then paint later. It needs a few hours to dry anyway."_

" _Okay."_

" _What would you like tonight, I thought we could order in."_

" _Chinese food."_

" _Chinese? You've never wanted Chinese food."_

_Chiara pat her stomach. "I think it's more what this little one wants. I'm craving pork balls, and I don't even like pork."_

" _Okay, extra-large serving of pork balls coming up."_

" _And rice. Lots of rice."_

" _Rice?"_

" _Sì_ _. Oh, and those weird roll things."_

" _Spring rolls?"_

" _Yes! Those. Oh, and can I have some chicken balls, and a king prawn omelette?"_

" _Want me to just order the entire menu?" Carmen joked, hand on hip._

" _Yes. That sounds good."_

" _I'm not ordering the entire menu, Chi."_

" _You offered."_

" _I was joking."_

" _Ugh fine, I'll just have pork balls, chicken balls, rice, a king prawn omelette, and some spring rolls."_

" _Okay, coming up!"_

_It didn't take long for their order to arrive, and even less time for Chiara to eat everything she'd ordered. As soon as the food was all gone, they cleared up their mess and made their way back into the nursery._

" _Right, how are we doing this?"_

" _I was thinking a different colour on each wall."_

" _That's going to look horrendous. Why don't we paint it all one colour, and then paint patterns on top?"_

" _That sounds great!"_

" _What base colour?"_

" _The blue."_

" _Okay, blue it is."_

_Carmen poured the paint out into two trays, setting one in front of Chiara, and the other in front of herself, then they both got to work, loud music playing in the background. Every now and then, Carmen would set aside her brush, grab Chiara, and spin her, before getting back to work._

" _Stop! Stop!" Chiara groaned after the seventh time being spun around. "I'm going to be sick!"_

" _I just want to dance with my favourite Italian."_

" _We have work to do."_

" _C'mon, let's take a break. We can finish this later."_

_Chiara glared, eyes flicking between the brush in her hand, and the smiling face of her Spanish wife, and before she knew it, Carmen's face had a line of blue down it, from her forehead to the tip of her nose._

" _Chi!"_

" _Sorry! It was so tempting."_

" _You're for it," Carmen said, lifting her own brush towards Chiara's face._

" _Don't even think about it, Carmen!"_

_With a grin, and a hearty laugh, Carmen dragged the paint across Chiara's cheek._

" _I hate you!" She shrieked, wiping at her face._

" _You love me," Carmen replied, marking Chiara's other cheek with blue._

" _I'm going to be a single mother if you do that again."_

_Carmen raised her eyebrows, her lip between her teeth. "Oh, really?"_

" _Yes, real-" Chiara couldn't finish her sentence, as Carmen bopped her nose with the brush, colouring it blue._

" _Aw, you look cold, Chi, let me warm you up." Carmen moved to wrap her arms around her wife, but was stopped as Chiara flicked the brush, splattering paint over Carmen's face and overalls._

" _Don't come near me with that damn brush!"_

" _Oh, but you're cold! Your nose is all blue."_

" _Your face is going to be all red if you don't stop."_

" _Now, now, Chi, don't threaten me, you've got a baby inside of you, don't give him or her any ideas."_

" _I mean it, Carmen!"_

" _You're so cute," Carmen cooed, dipping her brush in paint. "I love you so much."_

" _If you loved me-" Again, Chiara was cut off by paint, this time a line down her shirt. "That's it!" A flick of paint here, a flick of paint there, and they were in a paint war._

_They chased each other around the small room, drawing lines on clothes, and flicking paint splats on skin, until they were both laughing so hard their stomachs hurt, and their chests were tight._

" _I'm out!" Carmen shouting, laughing so hard her words were rough, and breathy._

" _Sucks to be you, doesn't it?" Chiara backed her against the wall, caging Carmen in with her arms. "I bet you regret starting that now, eh?"_

" _Nope."_

" _You will." Chiara dragged the paint down her face, covering the entire space a light blue. "There, much better."_

" _Uh huh." Carmen tilted her head slightly, before pressing her lips to Chiara's. Chiara laughed into the kiss, not caring about the paint, or the fact it was probably in her mouth._

" _Ti amo, bastarda," she whispered, only parting from her wife slightly._

" _Yo también te amo."_

_It took a few days, but they got the nursery done. They sat in the complete room, Chiara on Carmen's knee as they looked out of the window, admiring the beautiful view on woodland around the back of their house._

* * *

Chiara sat, wrapped up in Carmen's arms, sobbing loudly into her chest. All around them were broken toys, torn down wallpaper, and the splintered pieces of wood from the cot. Carmen rocked her wife, just letting her get it all out.

It was the first time in a long that that Chiara had led Carmen just hold her, and Carmen was almost happy as Chiara lent up and gave her a wet, salty kiss.

"I'm so sorry, Carmen," she sobbed, her hand cupping the Spaniard's face, and using the pad of her thumb to brush away fallen tears. "For everything."

"It's okay. I know you've been having a hard time."

"No, it's not okay. You've been through this too. It wasn't just me who lost a baby, you did too. I didn't mean what I said the other day, I really didn't. It was your baby too."

"Let's stop calling our baby 'it'."

"Huh?"

"What was the sex, Chi?"

"You want to know? Even after…"

"I want to know."

"It was a boy. A little boy, Carms. I thought you'd have known after… you know…"

"I didn't want to see him. I didn't want to know."

"What made you change your mind?"

"I don't want to keep referring to him as an 'it'."

Chiara fell back against her, head on Carmen's shoulder. "We're going to be okay, aren't we?"

"Yes, I think we'll be just fine."

"Why aren't you mad at me?"

"I was, I was furious at you, but… I don't know, seeing you tearing up the nursery just brought down that anger, I need to protect you, look after you."

"But after the kitchen… after what I said, you shouldn't forgive me. It was an unforgivable thing to say."

"When you love someone, it's easy to forget the things they say when it comes down to comforting. You need me, and I'm right here."

"But you needed me too, and I wasn't there. I let you go through it all alone."

"I survived, Chi. I'm okay. I just want you to be okay."

Chiara sighed, breath warm on Carmen's neck. "I'm okay, Carmen. I'm okay."

"Me too."

"I want to try again."

"What?"

"I know it's soon, I only lost him last year, but… I want a baby with you, I want a family."

"Are you sure, Chi? We can wait a little while, let you recover for a bit longer."

"I don't need to. I'm okay. I really am, it took a while, and sure, I still feel… empty, but I'm okay."

"Let's discuss this some other time, okay? For now, just let me hold you."

"That sounds nice."

The two stay on the floor, surrounded by the remains of the nursery, arms wrapped tightly around each other, both whispering words of love and encouragement.

* * *

" _Carmen! Carmen, come here!" Chiara screamed from her place in front of the mirror. Carmen came running in, apron on and flour covering her face._

" _What's wrong?!"_

" _I felt our baby kick!"_

_Carmen frowned. "I missed the first kick?"_

" _It's fine, just come put your damn hand on my stomach!"_

_Carmen pouted, but put her hands on Chiara's bump. "I can't feel anything."_

" _It's not moved yet, give it a minute."_

_Carmen waited patiently, until she felt it, the slight push against her hand, a little foot against her palm. She let out a quiet choked sob._

" _Are you crying?"_

" _I'm just so happy, Chi. This is our baby, in twenty or so weeks, we'll have a baby. I'm so happy."_

_Chiara wiped at Carmen's face with her sleeve. "You're such a sap," she teased, but that didn't stop her own tears spilling from her eyes. "We should think of names."_

" _Like what?"_

" _Well, I was thinking Romano for a boy, or Isabella for a girl."_

" _You know the sex."_

" _I know I do, but you don't. What names would you like?"_

" _I like Antonio for a boy, but I love Isabella for a girl."_

" _Antonio Romano? Then we both win."_

" _Antonio Romano Fernandez-Carriedo. It's a bit of a mouthful."_

" _Our entire family name is a mouthful, Carms. Fernandez-Carriedo? It's a pain in the arse to say."_

" _I think Chiara Fernandez-Carriedo is a beautiful name."_

" _You think everything about me is beautiful."_

" _That's because it is."_

" _It kicked again." Chiara took Carmen's hand, placing it on her bump. "Our baby is going to be feisty."_

" _Just like her mother then, eh?"_

" _Shut up, loser."_

" _Oh! I felt it!"_

" _Carmen?"_

" _Yes?"_

" _I'm really happy, okay?" She was crying, she didn't really know why, but seeing Carmen grinning at her tummy, as she held her hand there and spoke silly baby talk at an unborn child, she couldn't help but tear up. "And… ti amo."_

" _Baby, I'm happy too." It was Carmen's turn to wipe at Chiara's tears. "Yo también te amo, Chi."_

* * *

_Four years later_

Chiara watched as Carmen chased Monika around their garden, the little girl belonging to her sister and her husband. Felicia sat beside her, cooing over Antonio, their first born, as Ludwig held Romano, their second born.

"Antonio is just the cutest little thing!" Felicia cooed, tickling the little boy's stomach. "And so is Romano! You're both so lucky! Twins, ah, I wish we'd had twins."

Ludwig groaned. "Monika is difficult enough, imagine having two of her, Felice, we'd be lost."

"You're exaggerating, Monika is a sweetheart, Luddy."

Chiara knew Ludwig was right, she shuddered at the memory of looking after Monika for the first time, Satan that child was. Satan, but she got along well with Carmen, and the other children who spent far too much time at their house for Chiara's liking.

"When are the others going to be here?" Felicia asked, handing Antonio back to his mother.

"Julchen, Roderich, and Anneliese are on their way, and Arthur and Francis are going to be a bit late."

"What about Amelia, you invited her, right?"

"Of course I did, but her brother is flying out so she has to wait for him."

"She has a brother?"

"Yes, Matthew."

"What are Francis and Arthur's son called?"

"One, they have a daughter, two, her name is Alice. Geez, Felicia, you're so dim sometimes."

"Hey, they're not my friends!"

"They're not mine either." Chiara rolled her eyes. "And don't shout, Romano is finally napping," she added, looking over at Ludwig, and Romano, who was fast asleep in his arms. "He's so hard to get to sleep."

"He likes Luddy."

"God knows why."

"Luddy is a teddy bear, ChiChi."

"Don't call me that, it's such a gross nickname, we're not kids anymore, Felicia."

"Don't be so grouchy, ChiChi. I know you're probably not getting much sleep, but that doesn't warrant Mrs. Grumpyface to make an appearance! You have a family now, you need to smile more."

"I smile all the time."

"She does," Carmen added, sitting down beside her wife, panting slightly.

"Where's my daughter, Carmen?" Ludwig asked, eyeing the woman.

"Hiding, we're playing hide and seek."

"With just the two of you?"

"No, Anneliese and Julchy are hiding too."

"Wait, Julchen and Roderich are here?"

"Yes, I'm surprised Roderich didn't come over and join you, he's probably inside, I'll go look."

"No, wait, can you do me a favour?"

"Anything for my beautiful wife, what's up?"

"Can you do a shop run for me, we need some juice, I didn't realise we were so low."

"Oh, sure. Let me just finish my game of hide-and-seek then I'll head out."

"Okay, thank you."

"No worries, I'm going to go and find that aristocrat wannabe, I'll send him out." Carmen pressed a light kiss to Chiara's forehead, then one on Antonio's. "My beautiful family."

"Go, Carms."

"Right!" Carmen stood up, and raced away, disappearing through the patio doors. "I swear that woman has more energy than all of the damn kids put together."

"She's great though, isn't she, ChiChi?"

"Amazing," Chiara replied, smiling softly. "She's honestly amazing."

"Where's auntie Carmen?" Monika asked, appearing out of nowhere.

"She's looking for you, sweetie."

"I'm thirsty."

"Let's go get you a drink, okay?"

"Okay."

Monika followed Felicia into the house, leaving Chiara and Ludwig together.

"So…" Ludwig started, shifting slightly in his seat. "Is everything okay with you?"

"Potato bas- Ludwig, I see you pretty much every day, nothing has changed since yesterday."

"Yes, I suppose you're right."

Chiara sighed. "Everything is fine, thank you for asking. Wha-What about with you?"

"Oh, yes, everything is good. Monika starts school soon, I guess I'm a little freaked out."

"It is coming up to that, isn't it? Time really does fly."

"Ja."

They fell into an almost comfortable silence, until it was rudely broken by a crying child, and a soft English accent.

"Hello, Chiara, Ludwig," Arthur greeted, setting his little girl on her feet, who instantly stopped crying and waddled back into the house, where her papa was.

"Ciao, Arthur."

"Hallo."

"Oh, look at them," Arthur cooed, bending down in front of Antonio, and tickling his tummy, making the little boy giggle, and grab at his fingers. "May I?"

"Oh, sure." Chiara handed him over, smiling up at Arthur, who sat down beside her, bouncing the baby on his knee.

"One year since we all waited in that hospital waiting room, hoping these little ones were going to be okay."

"Yes, and considering they were so small when they were born, they're so big now."

"That's a point, what do you feed them?"

"Carmen insists on feeding them way too much," Chiara joked. "How is Alice settling in?"

"Not well. Or at least, when it comes to me. She loves Francis, hates being away from him, but damn, the second she's with me, she just cries."

"You'll grow on her, I'm sure. Going to live with strangers can't be easy."

"You say that, but Anneliese settled in with Roderich and Julchen easily. She loves them both."

"Yes, I suppose you're right."

"Amelia not here yet?"

"No, her brother is flying in."

"Oh, Matthew is coming from Canada? How pleasant, we haven't seen him in a long time."

"It will be nice, they'll be coming straight over."

"Is Amelia with anyone yet?"

"Actually, yes, she has a nice boyfriend. His name is Kiku, a young Japanese man."

"Kiku? I knew she liked him, I just had no idea he felt the same."

"Chi! Bella and Elizaveta are here!" They heard Carmen call from the kitchen.

"Okay!" Chiara stood up. "If Tonio falls asleep, don't wake him."

"Got it."

When Chiara walked into the kitchen. She was surprised with how many people were crowded in there. Julchen, Sofia, Romeo, Francis and Roderich were sat at the table, while Carmen, Felicia, Bella, Amelia, Matthew, and Elizaveta stood around the breakfast bar, and the kids were sat in a circle by the table, playing with toys.

"Chiara!" Bella exclaimed, throwing her arms around Chiara. "Ah, look at you! I haven't seen you in so long! You lost that baby weight fast!"

"Hello, Bel."

"Where are the babies?" Eliza asked, pulling her girlfriend away from Chiara.

"Outside, Arthur and Ludwig have them."

"Oh! I must go and see the little treasures, babe, are you coming?"

"Yes, yes."

"Chiara!"

"Hello, Amelia, I didn't think you'd be here till later."

"Mattie's flight got in early, so I came as soon as I could."

"Um… Chiara?"

"Yes, Matthew?"

"Can I go outside and say hello to Arthur?"

Chiara tilted her head, frowning slightly. "You don't have to ask to go outside, Matthew."

"Oh."

"He's still so shy," Amelia informed, pushing her brother lightly. "Go, Mattie, no one out there will bite."

"Well, Romano might," Carmen chimed in, grinning. "He's a biter."

"Shut up, Carmen. Our babies are perfect."

"Hey, a little bit of biting doesn't make one less perfect." Carmen leaned in close. "You taught me that," she whispered, nudging her nose against Chiara's quickly reddening neck.

"Shut up!"

"Oh! Chiara's a biter!" Amelia yelled, laughing obnoxiously.

"If you don't shut up, I'll… I'll shave all your hair off!"

"Aw, your threats have become less severe since you became a mum!" Amelia teased, ruffling Chiara's hair. "I remember when you would threaten to brutally murder me!"

"Yes, well, I have two children and a wife who need me here, can't be going to prison."

"No, I won't let that happen, Chi."

"You better not."

"Bonjour, I'm sorry to interrupt, but I was hoping to take a photo of you all."

"Mi amigo, you can take our photo if you're in it too."

"Oui, oui."

"To the outside!"

The small group of people headed outside, where they huddled into a group, Chiara and Carmen in front holding their children, and everyone else surrounding them.

"Say cheese!"

"Cheese!" Everyone repeated, as the camera flashed. Francis grabbed his camera from the tripod.

"Oh, how beautiful," he said, dreamily staring at the photo. "I want to say a few words, for my best friend and her charming wife."

"Please don't," Chiara groaned, bouncing Antonio on her hip.

"I want to say, congratulations to the both of you. This time last year, none of us knew if your little boys were going to make it, and now, look at you. You're both so happy, with two beautiful little boys. A big happy birthday to Antonio and Romano, two little miracles."

Carmen grinned, trying to hold back her tears. "Yes, our two little miracles."

"G-grazie, Francis, you French pervert."

"Not in front of the children, Chiara!" Arthur exclaimed, covering his daughter's ears.

"I'd like to say some words too."

"What could you possibly have to say Carmen?"

"A lot, really, babe. First, I want to say thank you to everyone who is here today, friends, and family alike, in our hour of need a few years ago, you were all there. You never left our side, no matter how difficult we were being. Second, Chiara, thank you. Thank you for being the best wife, and best mother any person could want, and most of all, thank you for not giving up. I know it's been a hard journey to get to here, but we did. We have two healthy little boys, who for a second, no one thought was going to make it. And lastly, I am honestly the happiest woman in the world. And that's thanks to everyone that is here today."

"Auntie Carmen?" Monika piped up, stepping in front of the Spaniard. "You're crying."

"I'm okay, Monika, I'm just really happy."

"People cry when they're happy?"

"Yes."

Monika held her arms out. "Can I have a hug, Auntie Carmen?"

Carmen chuckled, bending down to Monika's height. "Of course, anything for my favourite niece." Carmen scooped the girl up, standing back to full height. "I love you all. Thank you."

After that, the large group of people spent a few hours playing in the sun, or just chatting on the patio. It was a wild, but happy day for the family of four, and their larger family of friends.

* * *

Carmen looked down at her son, tucking the tired one-year-old into bed, while Chiara did the same beside her.

"We made it, Carms."

"Sì. A beautiful, happy, little family."

"Ti amo."

"Yo también te amo, baby."

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, a quick note about this story:
> 
> Miscarriages are so, so sad. I can't think of anything worse than having a miscarried/stillborn child. I desperately didn't want to make this fic offensive, or to upset anyone. I just heard Ed Sheeran's song 'Small bump' and couldn't get this idea out of my head, and when I get motivation for something, it doesn't go away unless I fulfil my goal.


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